Maximum Volume

Today had a great moment and then I ruined it.

I rediscovered walking with headphones and it was blissfull.

But then my oldest toddler wouldn´t sleep until after ten and I broke down in complete and utter anxiety because I just wanted to relax on my own bed, alone.

but he was on the computer on youtube with the volume on max.

I yelled and I cried and ended up falling asleep before he even did.

But then I woke up again, like I always do. He had closed the computer

And fallen asleep next to me.

I get so frustrated that he does nothing of what I ask him.

I explain how we should go about doing things, he never agrees

I read about spirited children being like this

But a spirited child with a depressed mom is not a nice mix.

It is simply anxiety and stress and yelling and crying and mess.

Every time I yell I wish I didn’t.

Every time I break down in tears of frustration I wish I was stronger, gentler.

Every time they make me crazy I just want to be ok.